[DAY EIGHT] We’ve forgotten how to Trust

The veil is lifting. Put down your chains.

Today, the world in my neck of the woods, opens up a bit more. Bit by bit, we are being called out of hiding and isolation and into the sun. 

<insert Platonic allegory here>

I find it strange that a text written in the BCE is still so damn relevant. I mean, have we learned nothing in the last two millennia about the human mind and our self imposed shackles?

Or maybe you prefer a more French and flowery way of looking at the last year. My dearest Jean Jacques Rousseau: 

Man is free but forever in chains. 

I mean, he sorta hits it right on the head. 

For the last year, we have all be trapped in literal spaces and within the frantic energetics of our minds. 

And I’m not a trained therapist or medical professional, but I feel fairly safe in saying that it has been traumatic – in the actual sense of the word. 

Our brains have been adapting to living in a constant state of fear. Our limbic brains, what I often call our Gremlin or Lizard Brains, have been in overdrive, trying to actually keep us alive

Not only is that physically and mentally taxing, but our modern brains and bodies are no longer wired for that level of internalized stress. 

We have been facing the wall of Plato’s cave. We have been in Rousseau’s mind prison. All while living in a pandemic. 

And now that we are being told we can face the sun again, remove the chains and be free – there’s muscle tension and a bit of burning. We have forgotten how to DO IT. 

I’ve been considering the energetics of this for a while. It’s like the world is giving us a hall pass to go play after being in detention for the better part of 18 months. 

For some, it’s like freedom. Freedom to have a babysitter again. Freedom to see family again. Freedom to meet with clients and colleagues again. 

It’s like expanding your lungs to let all the air back in. 

But for others, it’s like a contraction. Fear of seeing other people again. Fear of what the new expectations will be. Fear that this, once again, is going to be ripped away from us if the virus takes hold again. 

I’m not sure which camp I fall into. Can I be in a state of both expansion and contraction? Can I be both free and afraid? 

I met with my new coach yesterday. 

I admitted to her that I’m sitting in this combined state of fear and freedom in my business too.

That I’m in flow and I’m afraid of what that means. 

It’s like when I find myself there, I sabotage myself and immediately remove myself from that state of Love and Trust. 

Because for the last year, as the pandemic took hold and dug in, as I was deep in the trenches of early motherhood again, I controlled everything. 

I knew where my clients were coming from. I knew how my bank balance would grow (or not) with a fair degree of certainty. I knew how my team would react and step up to help me with certain things, because everything was tightly controlled. 

I couldn’t go places without restricting myself literally and therefore, I mimicked that by not letting myself ‘go places’ that energetically filled me up. My internal was mimicking my external and then it became a vicious cycle of fear and lack of space. 

It’s like a fringe shitty consequence of the pandemic was that I was choking my own flow… and the result was a booming business that was so restrictive, it felt like shit. 

So here I find myself, with the world opening up, being allowed to breathe again for the first time in forever, I’m back in flow and it feels like the bottom might fall out. 

The inner narrative is ‘can it be this easy? Is the world going to hate me for doing what I love? The last year has been so hard. If you weren’t outwardly sharing your suffering, you had to be inwardly suffering. That was how we’ve collectively been validating life since March 2020. How do I learn to safely validate my new state of freedom?’

Here’s the thing. We are meant to be in that state of Love and Trust. But trauma (ie. this shiticane of a pandemic and a myriad of other experiences from physical to sexual trauma, to generational trauma to a lifetime of microaggressions and so on) – it makes us forget HOW to BE in Love and Trust.

It kills our natural ability to be in flow. It puts us back in Plato’s cave of ignorance. It puts us back in Rousseau’s mind shackles.

Flow state is when you forget you have a body. You forget you have a mind. Time expands and contracts to meet your needs. Opportunities land in your lap with no effort. Money flows in and out like water lapping on a shore – with regularity and without scarcity. 

Flow is a beautiful place to be. 

There’s no surprise that flow for me is triggered in two ways – writing (for the ear – can you tell I write how I talk?) and then doing anything related to radio or being on mic. 

Maybe it’s time to surrender back into the flow. To let down the guards and release the restrictions – in every sense of the word. 

If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we can never know what’s on the horizon. We can never know what’s going to happen tomorrow. 

So ya – I think I’m both free and afraid. 

Free from the pandemic restrictions. 

Free from the self restrictions. 

Afraid of what this all means and afraid it might be torn away again. 

Afraid of how big I can let myself be. 

But, I think we’re being called to trust that when given the chance to touch and be with our own sense of freedom and creation, it’s safe to take that chance. 

The Rest of the Story is a project of love and commitment to showing up on this site every day for 90 days; sharing honest opinions, thoughts and observations. Comments are welcome.

Erin Trafford Incorporated is located on sacred land that has been the site of human activity for over 12,000 years. We are in Mi’kma’ki, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Mi’kmaq People, and we acknowledge them as the past, present, and future caretakers of this  land.

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